THE COOKIECUTTER SHARK

Isistius brasiliensis

 

INSTITUTE CLASSIFICATION: Scientifically Suspicious
OFFICIAL STATUS: REAL
ARCHIVE: Ocean Oddities
CASE STATUS: Investigation Complete

 

CASE SUMMARY

The Institute received reports of an unusual shark attack.

Not an animal eaten.

Not an animal bitten in half.

Just one extremely neat, circular piece missing.

The suspect?

A relatively small shark that attacks animals many times larger than itself, removes a plug of flesh and leaves.

Its name is the Cookiecutter Shark.

Yes.

That is its actual name.

 

CLAIMS UNDER INVESTIGATION

CLAIM #1
A small shark can attack whales and other much larger animals.

CLAIM #2
It removes almost perfectly circular pieces of flesh.

CLAIM #3
Its underside can glow.

CLAIM #4
Cookiecutter Sharks have even left marks on submarines.

 

Initial Institute Assessment:

Claims appear ridiculous.

Marine Biology confirms:

Continue.

 

ORIGIN & HABITAT

Cookiecutter Sharks occur in warm oceans around the world and spend much of their time in deeper water.

 

RECOGNISED BY

Small cigar-shaped body

Sharp triangular teeth

Glowing underside

Powerful suction

An alarming amount of confidence

 

KNOWN FOR

Taking circular bites from animals much larger than itself.

Documented targets include:

Large fish

Dolphins

Whales

Reports also exist of Cookiecutter Sharks biting submarines and other underwater equipment.

The Institute remains impressed by the shark’s complete disregard for scale.

 

WHAT THE EVIDENCE SAYS

Cookiecutter Sharks are completely real.

Their unusual feeding strategy allows them to attach to larger animals and remove a roughly circular plug of tissue.

And yes:

Their undersides are bioluminescent.

Which means our investigation has produced a small shark that glows in the dark and takes cookie-shaped bites from whales.

Reality has once again refused to behave responsibly.

 

INSTITUTE FIELD NOTES

FIELD REP #22

Evidence recovered:

One fish.

One perfectly circular bite mark.

One very impressed researcher.

 

BEHAVIOUR

When encountering something considerably larger than itself, the Cookiecutter Shark will:

Assess situation

Ignore common sense

Attach itself

Take one bite

Leave

Refuse to explain itself

Researchers describe its confidence as:

Excessive.

 

TYPICAL CALLS

“Just one bite.”

“Worth it.”

“No regrets.”

 

OFFICIAL FINDING

REAL

Small shark?

Real.

Glowing belly?

Real.

Cookie-shaped bites?

Real.

Biting animals many times its own size?

Also real.

The ocean remains ridiculous.