GRUMBLE WEASEL
Mustela complainicus
INSTITUTE CLASSIFICATION: Permanently Dissatisfied
OFFICIAL STATUS: 
INSTITUTE ORIGINAL
ARCHIVE: Institute Originals
CASE STATUS: Investigation Ongoing
CASE SUMMARY
Reports describe a small, weasel-like creature whose presence is usually detected before the animal itself appears.
Not by footprints.
Not by fur.
Not by scent.
By complaining.
Researchers report hearing low muttering from bushes, cupboards and occasionally underneath desks.
Typical statements include:
“Too cold.”
“Too hot.”
“Bit windy.”
“Don’t like Tuesdays.”
The creature has been provisionally named:
The Grumbleweasel.
It has lodged a complaint about this.
CLAIMS UNDER INVESTIGATION
CLAIM #1
The Grumbleweasel communicates almost entirely through complaints.
CLAIM #2
It can find something wrong with any situation.
CLAIM #3
Providing exactly what it requests does not improve matters.
CLAIM #4
Nobody has ever heard one say:
“That’s lovely, thanks.”
Initial Institute Assessment:
Investigation difficult.
Subject unhappy with questionnaire.
ORIGIN & HABITAT
Reported in:
Gardens
Sheds
Offices
Cafeterias
Waiting rooms
Under desks
Anywhere the temperature is apparently wrong
Researchers have attempted to establish its preferred habitat.
The Grumbleweasel replied:
“Not this one.”
RECOGNISED BY
Allegedly:
Small furry body
Long nose
Folded arms whenever anatomically possible
Furrowed brow
Audible muttering
General air of disappointment
KNOWN FOR
Complaining.
About everything.
Offer food:
“Bit dry.”
Offer water:
“Bit wet.”
Provide shade:
“Bit dark.”
Provide sunshine:
“Bit bright.”
Ask what it would prefer:
“Shouldn’t have to explain everything.”
Institute behavioural researchers have requested reassignment.
WHAT THE EVIDENCE SAYS
There is no recognised species called the Grumbleweasel.
Real weasels belong to the mustelid family and display fascinating hunting and survival behaviours.
None is scientifically known to complain about:
Weather forecasts
Cafeteria portions
Office chairs
Queue lengths
Mondays
The Institute therefore has no scientific basis for accepting the Grumbleweasel as a real species.
We do, however, have seventeen written complaints.
INSTITUTE FIELD NOTES
BEHAVIOURAL OBSERVATION #33
9:00 am — Subject offered breakfast.
“Too early.”
10:30 am — Breakfast offered again.
“Bit late now.”
12:00 pm — Lunch offered.
“Same thing every day.”
12:01 pm — Researcher points out this is first day of study.
Subject:
“Here we go. Arguing now.”
12:03 pm — Researcher requests transfer.
FUN FACTS
Favourite weather: unknown.
Favourite food: apparently unavailable.
Favourite day: definitely not Monday.
Favourite chair: the one somebody else is using.
Has submitted complaints about the complaints process.
Once complained that nobody listened to its complaints.
Researchers had been listening for three hours.
INSTITUTE SURVIVAL TIPS
If you encounter a Grumbleweasel:
Remain patient.
Take detailed notes.
Don’t attempt to solve every complaint.
Avoid asking, “Anything else?”
There is always something else.
EYEWITNESS REPORT
“I asked if everything was okay. That was my first mistake.”
— Institute Research Assistant
Interview duration:
Two hours, forty-three minutes.
OFFICIAL FINDING
INSTITUTE ORIGINAL
Weasel-like animals?
Real.
Grumbling?
Extremely real.
Grumbleweasel?
No scientific evidence.
Official classification:
INSTITUTE ORIGINAL
The creature has appealed the decision.
Naturally.
JUNIOR RESEARCHER CHALLENGE
Animal behaviour often has a purpose.
Choose a real animal behaviour that might initially seem strange — calling, growling, displaying, hiding or scent marking.
Investigate:
Why does the animal do it?
Then invent a possible biological reason why a Grumbleweasel might grumble.
Perhaps it isn’t complaining at all.
Perhaps researchers simply haven’t understood it yet.